A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis.
A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?"
He replies, "It died today."
"Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied
The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again.
The same nurse says, "I thought it died yesterday."
The man replies, "It did. Today is the viewing"
-----
A guy is sitting in a bar having a drink. All of a sudden an alien sits down next to him, licks its finger and sticks it in the guys ear. he is a little annoyed, but doesn't say anything. The next thing he knows, the alien does it again. This time the guy tells him to quit. Five minutes later, it happens again. This time he yells at him to stop. Ten minutes later, he finds a finger in his ear. Finally, he jumps up and screams, "If you don't quit I'm gonna rip your balls off!". The alien thinks about it for a second and does it again.
The guy jumps up, pulls its pants down, but there was nothing there! in frustration he asks, "How do you screw?!!"
The alien smiles and sticks his finger in the guys ear.
---
The Indians asked their Chief, in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to
be a very cold winter? "
"Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.
Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
--
// I liked this below...
Sixteen years ago, a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his bakery and confronted the baker with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free baked goods (bread) until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the bread each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the baker with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this loaf of bread home, that it is the last loaf of bread she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the baker and tell him I have also had free meat, free milk, and free health care for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
( basically she was lying .. )
//
--
A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!" Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you." To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment"
A guy is sitting in a bar having a drink. All of a sudden an alien sits down next to him, licks its finger and sticks it in the guys ear. he is a little annoyed, but doesn't say anything. The next thing he knows, the alien does it again. This time the guy tells him to quit. Five minutes later, it happens again. This time he yells at him to stop. Ten minutes later, he finds a finger in his ear. Finally, he jumps up and screams, "If you don't quit I'm gonna rip your balls off!". The alien thinks about it for a second and does it again.
The guy jumps up, pulls its pants down, but there was nothing there! in frustration he asks, "How do you screw?!!"
The alien smiles and sticks his finger in the guys ear.
---
The Indians asked their Chief, in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to
be a very cold winter? "
"Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.
Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
--
// I liked this below...
Sixteen years ago, a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his bakery and confronted the baker with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free baked goods (bread) until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the bread each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the baker with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this loaf of bread home, that it is the last loaf of bread she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the baker and tell him I have also had free meat, free milk, and free health care for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
( basically she was lying .. )
//
--
A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!" Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you." To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment"
Regards,
Shashi
Shashi
