Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place.

Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding that the bridge is safe, the two women proceed to cross. Halfway across one woman stops and says to the other, "I've always wanted to be like guys, and urinate off a bridge!"

The other woman looks around and says, "Well, I don't see anyone around, now's your chance!"

The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over the side of the bridge. As she begins to piss she looks over her shoulder. "Holy shit!," she screams, "I just pissed in a canoe!"

"Calm down," her friend said, "That wasn't a canoe, it was only your reflection!"
--

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

 --

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

Howard replied, "Sex!"

She exclaims, "Why, you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head."

"I know," Howard says. "But it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. They then agree to meet secretly each night in the garden, where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood.

Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. As she walked around the senior citizen home she found him sitting by the pool with another female holding his manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing old creep! What does she have that I don't?"

Howard smiled and replied, "Parkinson's."

---

A 90 year old man shows up for a physical. He tells the doctor he is about to marry a 20 year old girl.

"Really?" said the doctor. "You're healthy enough, I suppose, but take my advice. If you want a happy marriage, you should take in a boarder. Do you know what I mean?"

The old man says, "OK, doc. I'll think about it."

Six months later, the doctor sees the old man on the street. He asks him how his new marriage is working out.

"Great, doc! In fact, my wife is pregnant."

The doctor nods knowingly and says, "So you took my advice and took in a boarder?"

The old man winked and said, "Yep. And she's pregnant too!"

--

A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde. To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze.

The blonde shows up at his house, and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch a movie.

His manhood starts to bother him again so he excuses himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk and immerses himself for immediate relief.

The blonde, however, wanted to know what he was doing and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and exclaims, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

--

Regards,
Shashi

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you."

--

I was checking into the hotel and I asked the woman behind the counter if the porn channel was disabled. She gave me a nasty look and said 'It's regular porn you sick pervert!'

--

He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them. He asks the waiter, "How much is the fettucini alfredo?"

The waiter says "A penny."

The man exclaims, "A penny?? How much for a steak?"

The waiter says, "A nickel"

The man is astonished, "Are you serious?? Where's the man that owns this place? I'd like to shake his hand!"

The waiter answers, "He's upstairs with my wife."

Confused, the man asks, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The waiter smiles and says, "The same thing I'm doing down here to his business."

---

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit."

Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"

"Well ma'am, how about a suit?"

"Yes sir, what size?"

"Size 53 ... tall, ma'am."

"Wow, that's really big."

"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.

He replied, "How about some shoes."

"What size?"

"Size 15 ... double D."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?"

"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."

"Yes sir, what size?"

"Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied.

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew ... is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."

Well she tallied up his bill while the Texan was counting out his money. She asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"

"Yes ma'am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches."

She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "Across, ma'am?"

--

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I'm over 80 - I don't need them for sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

--

A teacher asked her class "which human organ expands to almost 10 times its normal size when stimulated?"

"I can't believe you are asking us this question!" one girl yells, "I plan to tell my parents that you are asking us inappropriate questions!"

The teacher pauses and another boy puts his hand up. "The retina of the human eye?"

"Yes!" the teacher replies. "Very good, Billy!"

She then turns to the girl and says, "I hate to tell you this, but number 1, you did not do your homework, number 2, you have a very sick mind, and 3, I fear you will be sadly disappointed someday."

--

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his unit. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his member.

"He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit.

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

--

 

Regards,
Shashi

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my p*nis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my p*nis ... fifty times"
--
"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live". The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?". The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight a** and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm f***ing her."
--
A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You a**hole, I'm drowning."
--

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house and f***, and then you disappear."

--

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me."

"We're eating a**hole!!", she screams.

--

 

Regards,
Shashi

   
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. You probably thought it would
be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

--

One day this hunter drives his truck out into the forest, in the trunk he has a pistol, a shotgun and a rocket launcher.

So he stops off in the middle of the woods, grabs his pistol out of the trunk and goes off on foot in search of bears.
He sees one drinking down by the stream, he slowly aims the gun, and BANG! he shoots the bear and it falls down to the floor, not 2 seconds later he gets a tap on the shoulder, he turns around to find the bear standing right in front of him, the bear says "look mate, that really hurt, so im gonna give u 2 choices, either i rip you to shreds, or i bumfuck you" so the hunter thinks, o shit what should i do?, but seen as he dosent want to die he lets the bear bumfuck him.
Afterwards he's really pissed off about the bear incedent, so he runs back to his car, grabs his shotgun and goes out in search to kill that same bear.
He finds the bear he's looking for with 2 other bears, so BANG BANG BANG! he shoots all 3 of them and they fall to the floor, yet only 2 seconds later he is tapped on the shoulder, he turns around to find the 3 bears standing in front of him, so the first bear says "alright mate, that hurt the 3 of us, so you've got 2 choices, we bumfuck you, or we rip you to shreds" so once again the hunter who doesn't want to die lets them bumfuck him.
So now the hunter is really really pissed off, so he goes back to his car, pulls out his rocket launcher and goes off in search for those 3 bears.
He comes across them in a whole pack of ten bears, he aims the rocket and BOOM! the bears blow up. But once again he is tapped on the shoulder, he turns around to face the 10 bears behind him, the first one says

" look mate, just between you and me, you're not really in this for the hunting are ya"

--

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

--

A travelling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed a very charming bit of femininity giving him the eye. In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life. Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and Mrs.
After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out. The clerk presented him with his bill for $1600.
"There is a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only three days."
"Yes," replied the clerk, "But your wife has been here a month."

--

A marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. and, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."

--

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today the Giants lost, but at least I got laid. 

--

Dan knew he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died.

He decided that he needed to be with his dream woman to really enjoy it.

One evening he was at a singles bar where he spotted the most attractive woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a month or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

When it comes to Estate Planning, women are so much smarter than men.

--

 

Regards,
Shashi

An old farmer was busy plowing his field when he heard a terrible noise and looked up. A busload of politicians was careening wildly down the road, then spun out of control, flipped several times, and crashed into tree.

The old farmer hurried to the site of the accident. Seeing the wreckage and carnage, he sadly went about digging a large hole to bury the dead.

A few hours later, the sheriff came by, searching for the missing politicians. When he saw the crashed bus, he stopped and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer gravely shook his head and said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied grimly, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

---

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant
again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

---

Remembering General Custer.

In remembrance of the Battle of Little Bighorn, the government hires an artist to create a mural. He's told by the generals "paint what was going through his mind in the final moments of the battle."

He goes to work, and a few weeks later, he unveils his creation. On the mural, there's a picture of Jesus on the cross and a bunch of Indians all having sex.

One of the generals asks, "What in the hell were you thinking when you made this?" The artist explains, "I was just doing what you told me." The general inquires, "How is this close to what I told you?" The artist replies "Well, wouldn't you think his last thoughts would be 'Jesus Christ! Look at all the fucking Indians

--

So a Chinese man is having trouble with one of his eyes and goes to see the optometrist. When the testing is over, the optometrist tells the man, "I'm sorry, you have a cataract" in which the Chinese man replies "No I dont! I have a rinkoln continental!"

--

// This is good.

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

:)

and then she went back to reading her book.

--

ROBOT !

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner.

DAD: Son, where were you today during school?

SON: At school robot slaps son

SON: Ok, I went to the movies.

DAD: Which one?

SON: Toy Story robot slaps son again

SON: Ok, it was A Day with a Porn Star.

DAD: WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was. Robot slaps dad

MOM: HAHA!! After all he is your son, Robot slaps mom

--

This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.

She stuck her head out and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...'

---

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly
departed...

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

--

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

--

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."

--

 

Regards,
Shashi